What You Control. And It's Not Much.
I talk to women about the four quadrants of control.
There is the quadrant where we have control over something and we choose to act and do something about it...leading to feeling accomplished, prideful and happy/joy/joy. Then there is the quadrant where we have control over something, we don't act on it and we end up feeling depressed, stuck, frustrated with ourselves, martyrs, doormats, angry and doubt and shame...I could go on!
***I talk about this in my first week of my 6 week course on taking back your life.
Then there are two much bigger quadrants. Yup, the things we can not control. ***pssssst. this list is much longer even though we hate that it is. But it is. And in one of these quadrants, when we can't control things and we try and try and try to control it anyway, whether we have convinced ourselves that:
"dammit, she just needs to do it my way"
or "if everyone would just line up the way I want them to, no one gets hurt, we all get out of this alive, trust me, you'll thank me later."
Whatever the motivation, we end up feeling anxious, exhausted, bitchy, resentful, and disconnected from others. No, really, disconnected, in like, they moved away from you, left you, left your grip of control because it was stifling, stealing of their own journey and frankly, not much fun to be around.
Then there is this fourth quadrant, which is so damn hard. The I don't have control over this and I need to not try to anymore. Yes, release, yes, surrender, yes, let it go. This writing from the Facebook page, Welcome Home, speaks to me on that level (see below and link back to follow Welcome Home Facebook Page). And notice, surrender is not passive, weak, or lifeless.
Surrender Is
It is active, proud, honoring of self, intentional. It leads to freedom and greater joy.
It is that quadrant where we let our kids walk out the door wearing THAT. And, we let people love who they love. And, we allow people to have their journey, on their terms, even if it makes us uncomfortable, they are not responsible for our comfort, we are. And, we speak our truth even in the face of losing someone along the way. And we find our tribe and sisterhood that honors us, the good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly us, because they too are hanging out in this quadrant.
From Welcome Home Facebook Page
My Mom once told me that she walked into a room where a couple of friends were discussing her, they didn’t know she was there. She shook her head, smiled and walked away.
My Mom also told me that she had a friend who talked bad about her, she never knew that Mom found out, Mom never mentioned it. She smiled and walked away from this friendship.
She told me she had family who chose to shift her out of their life because she stood up for herself for a change. And because she stopped crossing oceans for them when they would not even help her cross a bridge. She smiled, shook her head and walked away.
So I asked her how she could just walk away from people that betrayed her while pretending to be her friends or family.
She answered that every time she came to a crossroad like that, she had to decide who will be going forward on her journey with her. This showed her who she cannot take along with her.
So she explained to me that you should never get mad at a person who betrays you, even in the name of friendship or family. Just gracefully bow out and enjoy your journey with all the new people you’ll meet along the way.
Isn’t that just a beautiful thing. When we don’t have to create drama, be loud, be bitchy, to make a boundary and get our point across. It can be like this. You can find a centered place and just breath if you want. And, ask yourself,
“Is this my truth?”
I used to agree just to be agreeable.
I used to get caught up just to fit in.
I used to let another person’s truth become my own, because it was easier than finding my own truth.
I used to not set a boundary because it felt harder.
I used to set a boundary sometimes, and then not enforce it, either by staying and tolerating less than what I deserved for far to long and in far too many ways.
I used to envy people who could do it well, speak their truth, stand in the fire of that.
What Is My Truth?
It starts with slowing down.
Knowing what is within your control.
Knowing what parts of it might be in your control, and what parts of it are not.
And, taking the risk of all that you fear and doing it anyway.
Walking away, letting go, actively surrendering, making a decision to say or do nothing from a place of strength is a form of speaking your truth. Silence can sometimes have much more power than words. And, from a woman who’s favorite quote is:
If you can not improve the silence, then don’t.
When I do finally speak my mind and open my mouth, trust me, people lean in.
Hop on a 30 minute personal planning session and let’s reignite some lost passions and find some new ones together.
Christie Gause-Bemis is Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity. She travels the world while living her passions. Psychotherapist, artist, blogger, Christie mentors women to find their passions and more. Her newest endeavor, 6 weeks to Ignite Your Passions uses a combination of psychology, neuroscience and life experiences to support women in their next best step to living a life she desires now!