How to Be the "Just Right" Woman and Other Fairytales to Bust
Women Relationships are Hard and Complicated
I value my relationships with other women. It has not always been this way. And, this morning, I was jolted back a bit to those years when they were oh-so-hard. The new playground that women, even adult women, play in is social media. There was one post this morning that particularly stood out for me. It was a former friend, who is on the outs with someone else I know and am still close to, and it was a clear call out from this woman. A shot over the bow of the boat so to speak.
I don’t care if your 7, or 10, or 14 or 40 or even 50 and beyond. Those shots still sting. I felt it. It further solidified for me why the friend gets the adjective “former”. I needed to distance myself from her in order to be me. No shots fired, no long text messages, no big deal, just distance and disconnect for a time.
Have you every had either one of those happen? Shots fired at you or about you, publicly? Or, the latter, needing space and slipping quietly away from the connection without a big deal, just a little space?
I love many of my friendships now, but in the move to Madison, it has been hard to keep up with the old friends and to make new friends. I tend to be the initiator, the connector, the prompter in friendships and it can all feel a little uni-directional, or even a bit pursuing…which brings out my little girl energy, “do they even like me at all.” I seek bidirectional friendships now, the ones that reach out to me nearly as much, if not more, than I do. It feels good and cared for and thought of.
To break into circles of someone’s life, means they need to be open to you entering. And, so many women are safe in their current circles of friends or family, that growth and expansion is not on their radar. I used to admire my mother and her friendships, “friends since kindergarten”. As much as I admired that longevity, it also made me wonder, “am I broken?”. As each year I recycled through a new friendship groups, whoever would take me really. I was the selected, not the selector often in female friendships.
Friendships with girls and later with women made me feel like I was either too much or not enough.
Not enough fun* Not pretty enough* Not enough to offer
Too sensitive* Too needy* Too much work
We live in a world of Not Enough and Too Much. It was taught to us by Goldilocks after all-the porridge was too hot, too cold, the bed too hard, too soft- until she found “Just Right” in all of it. And, “Just Right” was what we are taught to seek.
I have always been attracted to TOO MUCH women in my life. Women who are so damn full of themselves, the overflow of energy comes to me and fills me up. Filling up the Not Enough Girl.
I like women who are loud, vivacious and bold.
Women who dared to wear their heels and loud colors to work while I was working at the state department and dress codes felt more grays, beiges and blues.
Women who make a statement with their lives. Like leading a statewide task force and rocking it on the roller derby circuit in her free time.
Women not afraid to get tattoos that have meaning.
Women with pink, blue and green hair.
Women who swear like they mean it.
Women who are untamed to the domestication that is shoved down our throats as being the “just right” woman, not too loud and not too soft. The “just right” mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, that leaves you saying, “I’m fine” when someone cares to ask.
There are times with settling can turn into depression. ~Julie Tallard Johnson, p. 80 TheZero Point Agreement: How to be Who You Already Are
Too Much Women, are just right for me. In fact, I am coming to realize I am one of them. And, the not enough girl was just a crappy narrative I was force fed in life and gathered evidence to support the story. My voice tamped down, my light dimmed, and my intelligence doubted by various people and situations along the way.
Can you relate?
All because Goldilocks needed things to be “Just Right”. And, people in my life needed me to be “just right” to make their lives more comfortable and easier. It was never about me or my comfort or needs or desires. But, about their fears or insecurities.
I am done with being the “Just Right” woman. I want a little discomfort in life…that’s how I grow and see things from not just my perspective, but from all sides.
What parts of you are playing “just right”? Or, are you the woman who shoots the Too Much woman across the bow?
Covert social media postings. Or, worse completely Overt call outs
Talking about the other person, versus directly to her with an open heart and a desire to know her heart
Secretly desire what she is having, so making sure what she is having is taken away, for awhile or for good
Making fun of any other woman for being too much versus admiring her place in the arena of life
We need more curiosity and compassion in our female relationships. Less jumping to assumptions about someone’s actions and reaching out to find out more. More learning one another’s stories and where they have come from, the fires they have walked through to get to this damn place. We need more calling in and coming from a place of I know better, therefore I’ll do better.
I am on that journey and I invite you to join me on the way.
Hop on a 30 minute phone consultation and get the support you need and deserve.
Christie Bemis, Too Much Woman
You deserve a deeper dive in life. Join me for 6 months and really Ignite Your Life with Mastery
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her 6 week course, Ignite Your Life: a self-guided program, to reignite your self-love. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity