Top Ten Lessons Life Had for Me This Past year
Here I sit. At the end of my year. In reflection.
I listed the months out, January to December, and went over the details of my past year. From my divorce being finalized in January, to my brother’s diagnosis with cancer, to cultivating and inviting in new love to my life, empty nesting and navigating adult child relationships, to refinancing my house….and all the ups and downs in between. What have I learned? How have a grown? An unreflective life is not an option for me. There were many lessons in 2021 for me, here are just a few that might inspire you to reflect upon as well.
My Top 10 Lessons Life Taught Me in 2021:
THE PODCAST WITH ALL THE LESSONS AND STORIES HERE
What if it all works out?
Some of my greatest fears came true…and guess what? Here I am, I lived through them, learned a lot, and my world did not come crushing down.
In 2020, my husband and I separated, after years of trying and preparing to do so. Mutually and amiably at first. And then the final divorce and agreements worked out with a joint mediator, came down to a zoom call with a judge, 30 minutes or less later, the final curtain call of 16 years of marriage. And, some of my fears came true, what was keeping me there…losing family traditions and connections, the impact on my relationship with my step-kids and extended family was gut wrenching. And, my own two kids…I didn’t give them what I wanted most, a family. What I have learned to give them is a strong woman, an adventure seeker, Authentic As Fuck living and happiness and healthy living. This is me working it out. Sometimes we need to lose all we were seeking to find out what is real.
Go where the Love is.
Which leads me to number 2. The beginning of the year felt like a lot of chase energy. Chasing love, making requests to get together, to be supported. When I began navigating towards the open arms, the welcome mats of others and those that were bidirectional in their reach out to me. I realized, true love, the kind that warms you up and fills you up, reaches out to you as well. That is were I spent my time. No more push energy, multiple messages to get together, un-responded to text messages, but real love that checks on me, asks about me, inquires about me and extends invitations to me. In many ways, I have let my welcome mat out to certain people far to long, longer than needed. Eventually that welcome mat becomes a door mat.
I am my very best advocate.
For what I want and what I desire. If you are not your own best advocate for how you desire to spend your time, your money, and your energy- 3 of your top assets in life- then who will.
Re-Evaluating My Relationship with Alcohol.
Why do I drink when I do drink. Making drinking more intentional. Connecting with my feelings and my triggers, versus just habitual, autopilot decisions around alcohol use. I had a couple of friends do a dry January last year and it really had me taking pause, could I do a dry month? If not, why? How does alcohol play a role in my life? How is it connected to specific feelings like boredom, grief, reward systems and loneliness. When you start really looking at it and making conscious decisions before pouring that drink, it puts it in perspective and you begin making healthier choices. At least I did. And, yes, I can do a dry month.
Safety resides inside of me.
This has been an ongoing search for safety. Safety in my body, regardless of the set of circumstances surrounding me or another person’s reactions. I can access it. I can source it. I took a solo-camping trip this year and at night, alone in my tent, listening to a distance coyote, an owl finding its way through the woods, a snarling raccoon trying to sniff me out in my tent, I worked with my breath and mindset around feeling safe in my body, in this moment. It was a powerful message and there are more solo camping trips in my future.
Vulnerability Wins.
Discovering the depths of vulnerability, the more vulnerable I get, the more that comes to me in return. Authenticity, realness. When I hold back, or I armor up or try to protect myself, I lose out on big love, big connections. We do this to protect and every time we lose out. Real love can’t live amongst fears, societal beliefs and armored places. It lives and breaths in wide-open fields, free of weeds.
Boundaries with Connections.
I used to make boundaries, with hard lines and a strong voice, in order to make sure I was heard, taken seriously, and got my needs met. However, it was boundaries with alienation, disconnect and hurt. Through my training with Somatica® Institute this past year, I learned how to make boundaries with love, compassion and respect of the other, maybe differing needs, across from me. It creates connection and much more win-win negotiations.
Attachment Work Is Necessary.
Being a psychology major, I am familiar with attachment styles. But, this past year, I took a deep dive to try to understand myself in relationships and how I show up. Why I show up that way. Attachment work is really the core work needed to show up more authentic to the one you love.
Financial Sovereignty.
For the first time in my adult life, at age 51, I have financial sovereignty. Even in my 20s, I always knew my parents had my back. I still relied on them “just in case”. And, now, as a woman in her 50s, divorced, I am responsible for me 100%. And, I am rocking it! Knowing where my money is, establishing financial goals and dreaming into what I want, hiring a CPA firm for reals to do my books. All of this feels scary and empowering at the same time. Having financial stewardship means freedom, security and pride.
Disappointment in Relationships is Inevitable.
I started recognizing how big of a trigger this was for me in February. If I disappointed someone it would lead to one of two things. One, was a complete disconnect from that person or relationship due to an intense feeling of shame, which was easier to deal with if I did not have to face the person. Or, two, I would get angry at the person for being disappointed, and make them wrong for feeling that way. What has been super powerful is disappointing someone I love and leading with compassion and understanding, versus anger. Leading with listening and holding space, versus disconnecting.
***Not to leave on a low note…#11, bonus lesson! Have a Growth Mindset. Enrolling this past year in Somatica® has opened my eyes that there is new content out there, new ways of working with people and with myself. I have always had a growth mindset, and so many things seem like the same content in a different package. My growing edge has been pushed even more. And, this makes me feel alive!
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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