The Power of Play in Relationships

When life gets serious and heavy, do you and your partner turn to play?

Adulting can be a heavy lift in life. We are managing households or even small communities in our lives. The list of to-dos can be never ending and lead to a sense of overwhelm. Work or even managing your own business can increase your stress overload. And, the list of tasks from managing aging parents to kids who are now entering into adulthood, it creates a surreal feeling as we age. It weighs us down in many ways.

This past weekend I turned 52 and when asked what I want to do for my birthday, it always leads back to a core element of my life…Play and Fun.

I take laughter seriously.

Play and Pleasure is also a core element in my SPARCS© Model of working with couples. Putting play back into your partnership can have an impact in all areas of your relationship. It is an essential element of sex. Play leads to better communication overall. It helps you achieve the 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative. (Gottman) And, play is one key to anti-aging and a sense of youthfulness.

My play over the past week included putting on waders and sloshing through a bog of cranberries with my love. It included going to a the Pretty Woman musical and a delicious dinner out. We also took in the farmer’s market and a tour of an amazing corporate office locally that has themed buildings and self-guided tours to follow, we took the Wizard’s Academy tour and played like kids. Dressing up for sexy time was also something new and fun for the weekend. And, a card night with my kids as well as Ax throwing the next day were the events to top off the weekend. Those that love me in life know play is a key to my heart.


Why don’t we play more?

I think we stuck in our roles and have a concept of what a good wife, a good mother, a good person looks like and play seems too silly. It is like we need to be serious for people to take us seriously. And, play for many of us growing up was after chores, after homework. So, it is ingrained in our psyches that play is a luxury or reward, not an essential element for life. Play is considered to many as a self-indulgence.

How to bring play back into your life?

  1. Consider it as essential as food, water and shelter. This takes a mindset shift from maybe what play meant in your home growing up. Take a look at those messages and try to understand where your caretakers may have been coming from. For me, it was fear…trying to install values that felt important at the time.

  2. Make a list of ways you enjoyed playing as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult? Is there anything on that list you can try again as an adult. I got an E-bike last year and renewed my love of biking.

  3. What gets in the way of the play? Are those thing important? Are they urgent? We often assign urgently wrong, so be real and make sure cleaning out the garage on a gorgeous fall day is as urgent as it seemed when you could be hopping on your bike for a ride with your love.

  4. Prioritize play. Don’t put it on the end of the to do list, make it rise to the top. Do the fun thing before the chore thing every once in awhile.

  5. Make a list with your partner around life experiences you want to have together. See below for ideas.

  6. Make a list of the impact more play can have on your partnership. Increase communication, see your youthfulness in one another, increase your intimacy and connection, support a healthy sex life, role model to your kids the balance of work and play, make life fun again.

Play can be as vital to your life as anything else you do: sleep, eat, water intake…it can reduce the wear and tear of life and increase connection to yourself and your love.

My brainstorm of ideas to try with your partner:

  • Take an art class

  • Hike every train in a 60 mile radius from you

  • Learn an instrument together

  • Try all the bike trails in your state and highlight when you complete one on a map of the state

  • Take a cooking class together and make it a priority to get good at one recipe together a month

  • Learn salsa, a lesson or two and then clear the furniture for practice at home

  • Get a massage table and learn how to give one another an erotic massage.

  • Read a book together and discuss in your own private book club

  • Tour your town like a tourist. Visit the museums, the shops, the farmer’s market and explore with fresh eyes

  • Take up a new hobby together, sailing, scuba diving, rock climbing

  • Make time for nothing. Put away the to do list, the electronics, and lay around with a puzzle, a book, and enjoy cozy for a day or night.

Play is a gift that can be opened again and again and again.

AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS


Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis