You're Not That Broken

You may think you are. You may have been told you are. But, you are not that broken.

It comes in the form of being told your crazy, your messed up, your too dramatic, your being unreasonable, irrational, childish…

Hurtful words slung in your direction by the person you love the most, your partner.

And, when you are told that enough, you begin to believe that about yourself. Your partner may be the chill one or the one that always seems in control of their emotions. And, you, feeling the big feels, are just out of control. Triggered, visceral.

Here is the thing…you are not that broken. You feel big feels and that is amazing and better then okay.

Often times, the partner that is indeed more chill, has learned to keep incredible control over themselves when in reality they are:

  • Crazy activated, a storm is going on inside of them, but they are going to keep the poker face in this debate and come out looking rational…at all costs, including their own inner emotions

  • Numb, dissociative, deactivated to the point of being cold, detached, disconnected…they have learned how to do this over the course of their lives as a way to survive incredibly confusing circumstances growing up…more on this below.

  • Or, they are so not attuned to you, that they can’t find the empathy and validation tools to come alongside you in this emotion, so they shut down.

The more the person you love presents you with poker face, non-emotions, invalidating words or sounds, shutting down or walking away…the more you rage/emote/verbalize.

Feeling unheard and unvalidated is one of the most hurtful things in a relationship. And over time, the other person in the relationship becomes the “Saint” or the “Good One” and you are the crazy, out of control bitch. Any slight escalation of emotion is met with resistance, a wall, a punitive shut down until you can find the “right” way to give voice to your needs and wants.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Or, maybe you are the one confronted by the strong emotions of a partner and you want to immediately stop the conflict.

In looking at Attachment styles, this becomes so clear the push and the pull of how do we express our emotions. Can partners create safe spaces with one another to feel big feels and not judge, become cold, react or shut down the conversation?

When you are feeling the big feels, what is really needed is:

  • Warm and kind and positive regard

  • Empathy that sounds like, “I can see how upset/angry/concerned you are feeling”, soft eyes, soft tone

  • Validation, “I understand that makes you angry when I forget to do what you ask, tell me more about that”

  • Offering space to emotionally unload (without being abusive towards the other person, name calling, or outwardly aggressive)

  • Co-regulating, “I’m wondering if we can take a couple of breaths together”, “can I give you a hug or touch?” “I am here with you now”

When our partners, colleagues and friends can support our big feelings, we can reach a new place of understanding one another and working through any problems that come up for us. We can learn that we are not broken, but feeling things, and all feelings can be welcome here. How powerful that all of our feelings are welcome, when growing up, that most likely was not the case. (Find out more about Attachment styles with the multi-part series on blogtalk radio)

And, if you want to dive deeper and understand your emotions better, so that you can unpack them in safe ways to your partner, take my introductory Emotional Literacy Course for Women

You are not Crazy, Messed up, Broken, a Mistake.

You are a caring, sensitive, feeling kind of women and I embrace that.

AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis