Scheduling Sex. Buzz Kill? or Life-Line?
Does Scheduling Sex Take Out All the Spontaneity?
Sam and Claire sat in my living room during a couples Somatica® session. Dejected and frustrated that they still could not get their sex and intimacy back on track after working together for a few weeks.
I had suggested setting aside intimacy time once a week to start.
“I don’t know, doesn’t it take the spontaneity away? The spark? The fire?” Claire asked.
To which I responded, “Is sex happening now? Organically springing out of nowhere when a feeling strikes you?” I knew the answer to this already, no, it was not. I continued, “setting time aside provides space and opportunity for it to increase the odds of happening. It adds it to your “to-do” list, versus being shoved off to the side. What you choose to do with that set aside time is entirely up to the both of you.”
Like most modern marriages, our sex is forgotten, shelved and put off to the side. It is at the bottom of the to-do list, if it even makes the list at all. And, it becomes a source of conflict, frustration and anger, versus something that connects us and brings us closer. Resentment builds and resentment kills intimacy.
What if you were more plan-ful with sex?
Planning a time and day each week, whether it is the same time and day, or is worked into the schedule each week based on each person’s needs, allows for opportunities for touch and connection to occur. It may take out the spontaneity, but who said spontaneity was a pre-existing requisite for good sex in the first place. We are often fooled into believing that two people suddenly get so turned on with one another they can’t possibly keep their hands off of one another. This is what is seen in the media and on movies, the build up of spontaneity.
So, if it is not a sudden combustion of wants and desires and chemical reactions, sex is not good? Most women I know, working women, professional woman and women with families, do not spontaneously have a feeling come over them with their partners of many years. And, a spontaneous grab by their partners is often a cringe-worthy experience, versus a welcome foreplay.
When we share a life with someone, the magic chemicals that may or may not have been there in the first place, are gone or decreased significantly. We have romantic and lustful love, turn into more of a sustainable and long term admiration and commitment. Sex and intimacy often take work and effort to sustain as well which does not always feel sexy, but is the reality.
What are the benefits of planning sex?
Anticipation….mmmmm
Look at it like extended foreplay. It can be a build up for what is to come.
Bring Back Flirting to the Relationship
You can text what you are anticipating all day. Have looks, gestures, innuendos and little love notes on sticky pads of paper. You both know what is coming, and play can be brought back into your relationship.
Be Prepared
Like the boy scout motto suggests, always be prepared. I can feel most embodied when I am shaven and clean and groomed. It will be easier to get out of your head and into your body. Maybe you will use the shower alone or together in preparation. Warm water and the sensation can be a total portal into arousal. Planning sex allows for preparing your body, preparing the space, preparing the toys, preparing the conversations of what you want and desire.
Barriers No More
Planning for the kids, work commitments and communicating that today is pleasure day increases the odds of sexy time actually happening. It is not a guarantee that something won’t go wrong, but it removes enough of the daily obstacles to increase the opportunity.
Priorities Are Generally Planned
We plan the fancy meal and get all the ingredients to make it perfect. We plan vacations so they are fun and relaxing. Why don’t we plan for time with our partner? By planning, we communicate to one another, “you are a priority, you are loved, you are on my to do list, you are important, our pleasure is a priority”. So, often we feel like the least important person in our partner’s life. When we plan and put is down on the list of to dos, on the calendar, it becomes a priority just like so many other things in our lives.
Planning for sex can be sexy. It is a shift in your mindset around what sex is. And, sex with our partner can be our playtime that we set aside, adult playdates with our favorite person.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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