Feeling Safe Enough
Our sense of safety is a crucial component to living a life well lived and foundational to relationships.
Yet, we don’t talk about it enough. We talk about communication, sex, intimacy and loving our bodies; but, in order to do all of those things, we need to feel a sense of safety. How safe do you feel in your body right now? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being not at all safe and 10 feeling completely safe in your body.
How about in reviewing your life over the course of this past week? or two? Think back to your interactions, your arguments, your activities…how many of those were guided by your sense of safety? Or, were impacted by your sense of safety?
This past week, I had a major argument with my lover. Like catastrophic proportions, relationship ender kind of stuff. All due to a comment he made. The comment was critical and the timing was ill timed for me, I was on my way to working with a full roster of clients for the day. It shook me. It was unexpected. It caught me off guard. And, I reacted, or let’s just be real-over reacted, because…I did not feel safe in my body.
I did not feel safe to be me. I did not feel safe to be caught off guard or invited into a better time to have the conversation, and I was feeling resourced for my clients for the day, but under-resourced for my own life and people in it.
When I think back to the origins of safety especially in relationships, I always go back to my parents. Specifically, my dad. So, I did some work (again) around this issue of safety and what are the conditions of my ‘felt’ sense of safety. The things that throw me off are: criticism, disappointing others, timing of deep conversations or other people’s needs that then butt up against my priorities or needs at that moment, yelling or anger directed at me. radio silence, abandoning me, leaving me out, rejection. I think this list is pretty typical of us all, but each of us have our own personal nuances to what makes us feel safe enough in relationships to show up fully, to be vulnerable and to do the hard stuff in relating.
I went camping alone last summer for this very reason, to practice the skill of feeling safe. To rewire my nervous system to a new set point of feeling safe enough. Late at night, waking to the sounds of the woods, to an animal near my tent (most likely raccoons), to the quietness of the dark with only a thin layer of fabric between me and my worse fears, I felt the unsafeness. It was in my chest, my gut, it took my breath away and made me stop breathing so I could hear what might be lurking. My eyes adjusted to the complete darkness and there was only grey and black shapes, barely seeable. I paused and took in some deep breaths and asked myself:
What do I need to do to feel safe enough right now? Answer: breath, and find my flashlight in case, find the knife next to me that I camp with (must be prepared), and just listen
How much of my sense of feeling unsafe is real and how much imagined right in this moment? Answer: 90% my imagination, just my cortex, making up stories and conjuring up old horror movie scenes or bad serial killer books I used to consume at an alarming rate, and make believe.
Why is this moment important for me to feel safe enough in my body? Answer: Because this is all just practice for me. This is all just a reset on my hypervigilant nervous system that needs to feel safe and that I create my own sense of safe inside of me. And, this is an important skill-tell you why in a moment.
Can I create a sense of safety in me right now, right in this moment, or do I need to do something different to get there? Answer: let me try with breath and self talk and reassurance to get there for the next 15 minutes and if I need to then get in my car, unzip the tent with a flashlight and a knife at the ready, or scream for help (last resort stuff here), then I will.
And, I gave it a go, did some breath work, imagined the hooting owl gliding from branch to branch as his hoots increased in volume, imagined the barking coyotes running the trail a mile or so away, and all the life that was happening in the trees as I slept. I also imagined my sense of pride I would feel in the morning and the taste of camp cooked breakfast and warm coffee that would be created by me. And, soon, I was feeling safe enough. I was okay. I was safe inside my body in this very moment.
This practice-feeling safe enough-created by you, is vital.
I was once in a meeting with colleagues, we were all feeling the glow of completing some intense work and we knew there were improvements to make, but were feeling pretty celebratory. That was until one colleague began criticizing, providing feedback and expressing the short list of things that went wrong. I could feel my body brace and begin feeling a sense of panic and a desire to blurt, “this fucking sucks and I am not going to sit here and listen” and stomp off. And, she kept going, the meeting derailed, everyone bracing and interrupting and defensive. It took everything in my power to stay. Then, the colleague next to me stood and cleared his throat and said, “if it would be okay with you, I can conduct the meeting from here as I am feeling pretty safe in my body right now”. And, he took the floor and veered our conversation to a better place. After the meeting, I asked him about it, “how, given everything being said and the emotions, did you feel safe in your body, I want to do that too.” And, he talked about breath work and self-talk, of seeing beyond the criticism to the fear that might have been there, of not taking it personally and more.
Feeling safe in our bodies is a skill. And essential life skill. It is the foundational work all couples need to do as well.
It does not come easy. Many of us have been wired so very early on to not feel safe in relationships or with self. We are wired to by hypervigilant, to be alert and at the guard just in case. What this does is take us off baseline for a ‘felt’ sense of safety. We become reactive with the littlest provocation or off comment. We lead from a place of protecting self, versus being vulnerable. We operate our relationships by navigating around the things that might create a lack of safety. It would be like going on vacation and staying in your hotel room the whole time. Or being in relationship with someone and staying at the surface of what might be possible. We actually need to leave the room at some point to experience new things and taste and explore. We need to leave the safety of surface to dive in deep with lovers and be vulnerable to, exposed to, the possibility of pain and joy. I think Glennon Doyle said it best in her interview with Jonathan Fields on the Good Life Project podcast, that the goal is not being happy, but being alive. Feeling all of it.
Often times we create lives that are super safe. This is not the goal. Comfort needs discomfort to live and breath. A sense of safety needs a sense of unsafe to fully unfold.
How to develop a sense of SAFE ENOUGH:
An embodiment practice that includes breathing and self talk and tuning into our bodies, not numbing ourselves with food, shopping, substance, and other ways we numb out the hard stuff.
Being responsible for our own ‘felt’ sense of safety. Not externalizing it, but seeing it as a skill to learn and practice. Understanding our history of why we are wired the way we are wired and how to rewire it through our own practices and skill building.
Voicing our sense of safety to others in our lives and voicing what we need from them to feel more safety right now in this moment. And, what this requires is our own ability to pause and identify what we need first, then voicing it.
When the shit hits the fan, can you stand solid? Practicing a sense of grounded-ness regardless of the set of circumstances you find yourself in, creates an inner locus of control, versus relying on what is happening outside of ourselves.
The danger of super safe is a life un-lived. It is bubble wrapping our existence to avoid pain. It is creating an impermeable layer in our lives that also is impermeable to some really great things: love (deep, awe-inspiring love), joy, excitement, surprise, happiness, aliveness, wildness, freedom, and sensuality. I talk about this in my short, but impactful, podcast episode, check it out.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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