Are You Pleasure Avoidant?
Do you thrive on going, doing, producing and achieving?
Do you take your work with you on vacation? Or, avoid vacation all together?
Do you have a never ending to do list?
Are you more concerned about getting things done then about relaxing?
Do you reserve pleasure for a reward that you get only after obtaining something or getting something done?
Pleasure avoiders are women who most likely are high achieving and are good at what they do.
Pleasure avoiders are also most likely not having any pleasure. Sex is at a standstill for them, or routine and boring.
I am taking a course right now with Dr. Tammy Nelson, to become a Certified Sex Therapy Informed Therapist. And in the training, she unpacks all the ways we deny or avoid pleasure. The causes can be varied: trauma, shame, beliefs, transactional with our partner, punishing and more.
But, in the Pleasure Avoidance category there is the type of woman I recognize…she is driven. I recognize her because I can be her. When I found that relationships were hard and intimacy took work, work I did not have a partner willing to meet me half way on, I threw myself into work that had an outcome to it. Whether that outcome was product, success, money or achieving my to do list, it did not matter. I felt more accomplished and masterful at work then I did with my relationship outcomes or satisfaction.
Pleasure was the last thing on my list.
The problem becomes this: pleasure is the life force inside all of us. It is what makes us feel alive and plugged in. And, by avoiding pleasure or its importance, it is like avoiding the cure to the illness. We become sicker and sicker.
Pleasure can be the road back to intimacy and connection. It can lead us to find greater peace and more joy. Pleasure can be rejuvenating.
But, pleasure avoiders don’t get back to pleasure on their own. It takes support and education to get there. Here is the kind of homework a sex educator and Somatic Relationship can offer:
Go home and take turns receiving pleasure with no outcome in mind.
Put something pleasurable on the top of your to do list.
Schedule anticipated fun and pleasure with your partner
Have weekly sexy time
Sounds like good homework?
Create an appreciation loop with your partner:
I appreciate….(something you like that feels pleasurable)
Because…(How does it make you feel? sexy, connected, grounded, excited)
After a few turn taking appreciations, follow up with One thing I would like us to try…(something you like more of or a curiosity you desire to try). Because…(a hope around how it might make you feel)
When we increase the level of communication with our partners we cultivate a more open ecology in our relationships to receive even more pleasure.
We slow down communication and increase connection. We voice our needs and wants and desires which increase the likelihood of getting that met.
Pleasure avoiders need to connect back in to the relationship, build empathy and feel validated.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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