10 Tips for Couples on Fighting Fair
Fighting in relationships is inevitable.
In fact some conflict is actually a sign of an emotionally invested, intimate relationship. The absence of conflict is generally a sign of the absence of intimate connection and lack of importance placed on the relationship. If you stop caring, you stop fighting for it.
So, if fighting is indeed a sign of relationship health, why is it so hard!
It is generally not the level of fighting that is difficult. The difficult part is more so in HOW we are fighting.
Hurt and relationship rupture come from the lack of skills and tools we use to fight, rather then the cause itself. Often, couples get stuck in the weeds of the issue, the details. But, no matter what the issue of the fight is, the details don’t matter as much as how we are navigating the details. Once we learn these fighting fair tools, we can come out the other side of a conflict understanding ourselves better, having a higher understanding of our partner and increasing the degree of success and intimacy we feel towards our partner.
Relationship rupture happens when we fight in harmful ways that do short and long term damage to our relationship. Maybe we say something in a hurtful way, reveal something distasteful about our partner or say something harmful that we can’t take back no matter how hard we try. The angrier we get, the stupider we get. Or, the angrier we get, the more our pre-frontal cortex…the thinking and logic part of our higher thinking parts of our brain…go off line. And, what we are left with is the most primitive parts, flight, fight, freeze, appease, dissociate and collapse part of our brain.
When this happens, the primitive part of our brain being the only one left in the room, we use adaptive techniques that supported us potentially as a kid, but no longer serve us as an adult. In other words, when we are fighting with our partner, there is no more adults left in the room. We come face to face with our 8 year old self and our 5 year old partner ready to duke it out.
What are the adaptive techniques we used as kids: temper tantrums, yelling, silent treatment, stomping out and running away, threatening, name calling, blaming the other person, mocking or making fun of the other person, laughing at them, sticking your tongue out, teasing, shutting down, debating, and more. Any of these look familiar as a kid? Any of these look familiar now?
Having a temper tantrum as a kid looks age appropriate and in many times we say, “look how cute she is, clenching her fists and stomping around. She is soooo mad.” It does not look very cute to be a 40 year old woman with the same behavior…yet, it happens. Because the adult listening and coping skills have deteriorated in a fight.
10 Tips to Keep Fighting Fair:
Recognize and Acknowledge. We are in a fight. We are in an emotional conversation. This is a conflict in this moment. When we can do this, we can then ask ourselves these questions: Am I emotionally resourced right now? Is my partner? Is it important? Is it urgent or can it wait? Just this weekend my partner and I found ourselves in an emotionally charged, spontaneously erupting conversation. What I did in that moment was to pivot both my physical body and my moment. We were headed out the door for a walk and what I knew was that this un-contained environment of the great outdoors has, in the past, contributed to the amplification of the issue. So, I stopped, came back in, sat on the couch facing him, asking him to sit also which could provide support for the conflict and invited a deeper conversation to occur. The walk could wait. What we needed in that moment was to talk it out.
Conversations Require an Invitation. Here is the other thing. Conflict can be planned and even invited. You can come to the conversation fully resourced, more prepared for resolution and ready for a deeper discussion. And, like any invitation, you or your partner can decline. When both Joe and I were sitting down, facing one another, I asked, “You sound upset, would you be open to a conversation now about it, or wait? “ He could say no or yes, up to him. I don’t get to control that part of it. What I could control would be whether I felt comfortable going on a walk with him if he said no. I could then say, “I’m not sure I feel comfortable going on our walk until we sort this out.” Not as a threat or ultimatum, but as the reality of the situation. The walk did not feel fun to me with tension between us.
Learn and Over-learn the Following Skills: Empathy, Curiosity, and Validation. If all you learned as an adult human being was these three skills, they would take you so far. And, couples that I am working with in my coaching practice or as a psychotherapist, practice these skills over and over and over on low stakes issues. When we can practice them in this type of situation, we are better able to pull them out and use them when conflict erupts in our relationship. As I sat with Joe, I reminded myself to not get defensive, to get curious. To ask deeper questions on why he was feeling the way he was feeling. And, even though I didn’t agree with his perspective or interpretation of the night before, I validated that he had every right to feel that way. When he would get defensive with me and my feelings, I asked him what would make him feel less defensive and also asked to be validated as well, I had the right to my feelings and the interpretation I was holding about the night before as well.
Remember You Are Both on the Same Team! And, you are wanting the same outcome, a good and healthy relationship. This person in front of you is not your enemy. You are in a loving relationship for the most part. Fighting is temporary.
Use the Four Step Tool to Communicating Non-Violently: I observe (free of labels, judgement and assumptions) I feel, I need and I want. When we slow down the way we communicate, actually use the tools, we increase our possibility of being understood and having a successful outcome.
Soften the Start Up. A Gottman skill and further elaborated on by Harville Hendrix’s tool used in Safe Conversations, softening the eyes. Everything softens. The tone, the word choice, the gaze, the stance of our body. When we soften, our partner can join us.
Mirroring as a Key Tool. I cannot emphasize this tool enough. When we mirror back what we just heard, our partner feels heard. When we are not mirroring back, we are most likely thinking about our come back, what we are going to say in response. This is not truly listening to our partner, it is creating stories.
Be Okay with Non-Closure. Say what needs to be said, validate your partner’s experience and be validated, but be okay to walk away without a complete agreement or shifting your partner’s perspective. I used to think it was my job to get my partner to see things my way or agree with me. This lead to lengthy and laborious talks long into the night. Sometimes we just need to be understood, not agreed with, and move on. Negotiate yes, compromise yes, and be okay with nobody really winning or being right.
Recognize When there is No Adult in the Room Anymore. And, take a break. Time out to regroup, to regulate your nervous system, for your partner to regulate his or her nervous system, or decide to regulate together. Move away from old childhood behaviors to not create a rupture.
Don’t Use Your Fights Transactionally. Withholding love, withholding sex, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior to get even or retaliate, stopping your affection and positive regard for one another, all lead to contempt and resentment. Be mad and still be in love. Figure out ways to repair after a rupture. Have rituals of reconnection after a fight and it might be sex.
Fighting and conflict can be done successfully. The emotional landscape of your relationship can be restored. When you learn how to fight fairly, you feel a sense of pride and success in your life as a couple. This blog can be listened to in a deeper way on my podcast.
AUTHENTICALLY YOURS, CHRISTIE BEMIS
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE
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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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