Time for Relationship Spring Cleaning

Resetting Your Relationship: Embracing Change and Growth

What if you could press a reset button for your relationship?

You can.

In Esther Perel’s talk on What is Erotic Intelligence?, she shares that she has been married for 34 years to her husband. She then offers a powerful perspective:

"Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three marriages or committed relationships, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. He thinks we have had four marriages, I think we have had three marriages to each other."

This quote highlights an essential truth about long-term relationships: change is inevitable. As individuals, we evolve and grow, and our relationships must do the same. Who we were at the beginning of our commitment is not who we are today or who we will become in the future.

The Relationship Reset: A New Chapter Together

In my work with couples, I encourage them to embrace this notion of change as an opportunity for renewal. A common scenario is a couple seeking therapy because they want their partner to change. The desire is often for the essence of their partner to remain but for them to evolve into a better version of themselves.

Some common refrains I hear include:

  • I want someone less selfish.

  • If I have to ask, then it doesn’t mean anything.

  • I want him to work on his angry outbursts.

  • I want her to have more sex with me.

  • I want to rank higher than the kids.

  • I want to be as important as work.

  • They spend too much money, and it makes me enraged.

Once we’ve assessed the relationship, I often propose the idea of a "Version 2.0." It’s a way to frame their relationship as an evolving entity, one that requires intentional effort to grow and improve. I remind couples, "When you know better, you do better."

However, skepticism is natural:

  • What if we leave therapy and he goes right back to being an ass?

  • What if I can’t sustain the change?

  • What if, a year from now, we’re still dealing with the same issues?

To this, I respond: "When you know better, you do better." And if things don’t improve, we revisit and adjust. Growth is not a one-time fix; it’s an ongoing process. I don’t know what tomorrow holds and neither do the clients. Right now is what we are dealing with, let’s start there.

How to Reset Your Relationship

Here are some practical ways to refresh and reset your relationship, fostering deeper connection and understanding.

1. Take a Weekend Away

Many couples who have strong, resilient relationships make it a priority to take an intentional weekend away once a year. One couple I worked with took quarterly retreats together. The key is intentionality—not just a vacation, but a conscious reset.

A successful weekend reset includes:

  • Friday night: Reconnect and cultivate romance.

  • Saturday: Take the SPARCS© Assessment. Care for one another, engage in deep conversations, and foster intimacy.

  • Sunday: Create a plan for moving forward with fresh perspectives and enjoy playful moments together before heading home.

Couples who regularly assess and reconnect in this way build a stronger foundation to weather the storms of life together.

2. Hold Weekly Couples Meetings

Weekly check-ins are essential for a thriving relationship. These meetings create space to:

  • Celebrate wins and gratitude.

  • Assess what’s working and what needs adjustment.

  • Plan together to reduce misunderstandings and unmet expectations.

When I know I can bring up concerns every Wednesday at 6 PM, I don’t feel the urgency to start an impromptu, high-stakes conversation when my partner is heading out the door. I share more details about this kind of partnership meeting in my blog HERE

3. See Your Partner in a New Light

Long-term relationships can lead to assumptions and a lack of curiosity. We stop seeing our partner with fresh eyes. To combat this, I have a picture of my partner as a child—blond hair, shy smile, full of innocence and adventure. When I need to reset, I picture that little boy, untouched by the world's hardships.

This perspective reminds me to extend grace and tenderness, knowing that his current struggles stem from past experiences. I see not just the present frustration, but the person he has always been, underneath it all.

4. See Yourself in a New Light

The same grace we extend to our partner must also apply to ourselves. When triggered, our adaptive child—the protective, reactive part of us shaped by past wounds—often takes over. My adaptive child is not skilled in relationship communication!

I have to pause and ask myself: How do I want to show up for myself and my partner right now? Shifting back into my wise adult self allows me to navigate stress and conflict with greater compassion and awareness.

5. Move from Stalemate to Taking Action

Stubborn resignation is a relationship killer. When being "right" becomes more important than being in the relationship, disconnection follows.

As relationship expert Terry Real says, "You can be right, or you can be in a relationship."

Any small step toward change is a victory. Even if you don’t have all the answers, moving forward with a commitment to understanding and growth keeps the relationship alive.

Final Thoughts: The Power of the Reset

Resetting a relationship takes effort, but the rewards are immense. A relationship built on intentional resets fosters empathy, compassion, and a shared desire to grow.

When you commit to knowing better and doing better, you create a love that evolves with you, strengthening your bond with each new chapter.

Authentically yours,

Christie Bemis

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com. For more information on coaching with Christie opportunities, CLICK HERE

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She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


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Christie Gause-Bemis