Give Yourself the Gift of Forgiveness
Part Three of a Four Part blog series on
Radical Self-Love
I once did something in my life so bad, so unforgiving...even just thinking back to it, makes me shudder and ask myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!" I mean, this behavior was so against my values, my philosophy of life, that it jolted me out of self-love and into self-loathing for quite some time...won't even share what it is...that's how bad!
We've all done some things in life that when we look back at the video of our lives...it makes us want to block that little chunk out.
Or, maybe we react with rationalization or justification to our deed, "Well, he deserved that because....", "Well, I did that, but what she did was so much worse." or "I wouldn't have done that if....." .
Rationalizing and reasoning is just one way we manage our feelings of shame. It moves the feeling of shame, which is held in our body, and puts that up into our heads, where we can create a really nice story and keep that feeling out of our bodies.
Or, we avoid. That person, talking about it with others or even thinking about it ourselves. We repress versus repair. Repress the memory, repress the feeling of shame and guilt. Push it down. But just like a bubble in a water bed (dating myself with the 80s when everyone who was cool had them-water beds that is), it will pop up somewhere else in life, our bodies usually. Louise Hay, in Heal Your Body: The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them, outlines disease and ailments and connects those with the emotional component driving them.
When we do not move through our own shame around our actions, we move into dis-ease. And sometimes it is as simple as saying, I’m sorry. And sometimes it requires more. Saying I am sorry can be a start. It moves the shame into something else, maybe guilt, maybe the beginning of something new.
Guilt Vs. Shame
See, guilt is healthy. It is actually a normal feeling, a normal response to doing something wrong. Guilt is a signal that our actions no longer align with our values. When we feel it, we can move into changing our actions and re-aligning them with our values. Or, we can look at our values and try to understand where they came from, why we believe what we believe and then, therefore, value. We can decide to change our values. This is bigger work and can be found in my 6 week program. Value evaluation and reformation can be very powerful and life changing work to do. Guilt can be our compass directing us to the right direction in life. We change out of discomfort, and guilt is not a comfortable feeling to have.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame is pointing the finger right at yourself and saying with conviction, “I am a bad person”. I am that behavior. It is a labeling of self: mean, cold, unkind, ruthless, difficult, slutty, selfish, calculated, crazy, too much, needy….
Shame keeps us stuck. We stay in the story and recreate that story over and over again. Shame is like quicksand, it sucks you down into depression, repression and anxiety. You spin your wheels, but you never get into your light again. Shame has no opportunity.
How do we move from the act we did to the change we seek?
There are restorative practices and conversations to be had with the person or people we wronged. Restorative practices acknowledge the wrong, focuses on repair and welcomes you back into relationship:
Start on a new course and show up differently, repeatedly, consistently, over time. You can restore trust by showing actions, not just saying you will
Say “I’m sorry” and add on exactly why you are sorry. “I am sorry I lied to you, I was feeling afraid of your reaction and that is no excuse.”
Talk about what they can expect from you in the future. “In the future, I promise to be honest even if I know there will be a reaction. I am working on feeling safe in my body to better handle emotions and reactions directed at me.” You are taking responsibility for yourself and allowing the other person to have their own feelings and their own reactions.
Validate the other person’s feelings and ask what they need from you. They might need space, time, separation completely.
Our culture does not allow much for restoration. It is a punish and convict kind of mentality. You’ve done the crime, do the time. In restorative practices we lead with exploring and curiosity. We end with “from now on…” and we take into consideration the imperfections of being human.
What about self-forgiveness?
That is really what this blog is all about. Often others have moved on, made a life, forgiven us, long before we have forgiven ourselves. We have maybe restored the relationship with the other, but we have not restored the relationship with ourselves. We have not welcomed ourself back. We are the last to forgive us. And, this is the most important step for moving Shame into more Guilt and self-love practices.
What if you gave yourself a break?
Made a mistake?
Failed miserably?
What if you were doing the best you could with your current knowledge and limitations at the time?
Self-forgiveness is all about the willingness to change and learn. It is growth.
What is the lesson in what I have done?
What need was I trying to get fulfilled with that action? And, what are other ways I can get that need fulfilled with actions that align with my values and beliefs?
What if I need to change the course of my life in order to show up the way I want?
We hear about forgiveness all the time and how it heals the wounds. It is the bigger thing to do. That when we forgive it is not about the other person, it is a gift we give to ourselves. What if the person who hurts you is YOU?
We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. And you are here NOW, with the power to shape your day and your future. ~ Steve Maraboli
My mother said to me (my oh-so-wise teacher in life) "The last person that will forgive you is you...God already has. Imagine the love you feel for your son, is there anything he can do that would cause you to not forgive him." And, honestly, there is not. She said, "That is how God feels for you ten thousand fold." My mother is a Christian and thus has a Christian mind when talking about forgiveness and love in the form of God.
It does not matter what word you use for your divine, your higher power....the love you have for another, for you higher power...could be the love you feel for yourself, ten thousand fold.
What would it take to forgive yourself? What did you learn from this mistake? What gifts came out of it?
Self-forgiveness is a big component to Radical Self-Love. It is another core foundation to do the work and love yourself ten thousand times over.
Part One and Part Two of the Four Part Series on Radical Self-Love in case you missed it
Christie Bemis
You deserve a deeper dive in life. Join me for 6 months and really Ignite Your Life with Mastery
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her 6 week course, Ignite Your Life: a self-guided program, to reignite your self-love. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity
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