Part Two of Radical Self-Love: Resilience is Our Expression of Self-Love
Part Two of Radical Self-Love is tackling the kicks that life can give us along the way to chip away at our potential for self-love.
My last blog dealt with messages we may have received growing up on our self-worth, thereby affecting our self-love potential. In part two of this four part series, we are examining the things that life can do to us to whip love out of us, temporarily and sometimes permanently, if we let it.
Even if you grew up with loving messages from your primary caretakers, middle school hits.....you start questioning yourself, your worth and it is all measured by the yard stick carried by the most popular girls. I don't care how much self-love you have....it is difficult to survive some traumatic stuff as a young girl when the end goal is generally just to fit in.
Or, maybe you feel the radiant beauty of self-love until the major break-up occurs with your first love. Ouch, the rejection, the self-doubt, the feelings of worthlessness.
Or, maybe you have enjoyed the joy and exuberance of life with the one you love, who dies before you. As you move through the grief created by that void and begin to look at the future horizon, you question...."Who will love me like that again?" "At my age, how can I start over?" You start to doubt all you have to offer the next one.
Or, you face a major shift in your life. A change of any kind and as the ground shifts beneath your once solid feet, once a stable foundation to hold you secure, your concept of self-love is put to the challenge...a career change, your grown-up babies moving on by dating or moving out, all those things that fed your self-love and held it safely for you, or a move that leaves your solid network of supports and friends behind, causing you to feel alone and needing to rebuild.
rad·i·cal
ˈrædɪkəlShow Spelled [rad-i-kuhl] Show IPA
adjective
1. of or going to the root or origin; fundamental: a radical difference.
2. thoroughgoing or extreme, especially as regards change from accepted or traditional forms: a radical change in the policy of a company.
3. favoring drastic political, economic, or social reforms: radical ideas; radical and anarchistic ideologues.
4. forming a basis or foundation.
5. existing inherently in a thing or person: radical defects of character.
This is where the radical comes in to the concept of radical self-love. It is the root, it is the foundation, it is inherent. Sometimes it needs to be drastic and it is fundamental that we love ourselves deeply. Regardless of what occurs or shifts externally...the root of our being is love for self. Like a beautiful blossoming tree that bears sweet fruit...it all begins with a healthy root system. Without that, life's kicks can shake us to the core.
I am a strong believer in things don't happen to you, they happen for you
My older sister, Michelle, died of a brain tumor at the age of 29...I was 26 at the time and shook me to the core of my self-love. It knocked me down, but not out, of life. It was important to me to learn something about myself, about the world and take some lesson or gift away from that time. For me, I took away my strength...looking back and saying, "Are you kidding me? I survived that?!!" Not only survive but thrive after something I never thought possible to exist afterwards.
The following thoughts might help you in managing your own kicks in life:
There is so much we can’t control. Whenever we try to be in charge of the outcome, we will be miserable. Life is a journey, enjoy it in it’s complexity.
All feels are important, even the uncomfortable ones and the down right painful ones. It is all part of the human experience.
Make your life matter. Do the things that bring you the most joy and pleasure.
Connections with others take time, vulnerability and personal sharing of your self, and those are the ones worth having in life. It is about the quality not the quantity.
When life gives you a kick, or as I like to refer to it, hands you a shit sandwich, can you find the lesson in it? Can you learn something about yourself, about others, about the world?
For me, the lessons in losing my sister have been profound. I live each day for joy. I see my own kids and my brother’s kids and think, what Michelle would give to have even one day with these beings. In fact, my worse day, would be Michelle’s greatest desire to live. Death and grief do that for you, if you choose to allow the lesson in. You can become bitter or you can choose better. That is the path I am taking.
In a past retreat for Hot Pink YOUniversity we had an exercise called What Makes You a Hot Pink Woman? For each of us it is different. The following is an exercise to help form self-love for all that you are, but first I am going to share what makes me a Hot Pink Woman!
What makes me a Hot Pink Woman!
I accept myself for all I do and mostly for all I don't do, or don't get done. I release myself from inner judgment and from allowing the seepage of external judgment from the people in my life...even those that may be closest to me, knowing their truth of me, is never about me, but is about where they are at in their own lives.
I am Hot Pink when I start each day as fresh and full of fabulous new beginnings!
I accept myself and I release self-blame, self-sabotage from my finest me and burst forward into what will and I "will"...manifesting my greatest good.
I am Hot Pink when I move from self-shame into self-love.
I am a mom, a wife, an artist, a therapist, a writer, a daughter and a friend. I can be frazzled and overly creative with more ideas than time. I like to have fun, I like to drink some wine, to dance, to laugh and I love to sing. I love to be raunchy and have an odd sense of humor at times. I love to gather women. I love to travel and feel oddly and ecstatically most myself when I am traveling. I learn more and grow more through travel as it takes me way beyond the realm of routine and comfort and into an oxymoron-like uncomfortable joy. If I had to spend the rest of my life with only one message to serve up to those that choose to eat at my mindful restaurant serving food for the soul, it would be this:
kick conventionality to the curb
ride outside the edges of what is convenient a time or two each day
move outside of the boxes society wants to place you in and move into YOU...however messy at times that can be, but so damn worth it!
comfortable is not always best
So, what makes you a Hot Pink Woman! Create your own womanifesto by asking yourself the following:
What are my strengths?
What are my cracks? I am referring to a concept of Wabi-Sabi..where in an Asian culture there is an embrace and a celebration of cracks in pottery...so much so, that in museums those cracks are filled with gold to emphasize them and the light is shown on the pottery’s cracks...love that thought!
When do you feel most alive?
Where do you feel most alive?
What do you need to release about yourself and fully accept?
What have you overcome and what makes you strong!
Sending you so much love this month of February and beyond
Part One of the Four Part Series on Radical Self-Love in case you missed it
Christie Bemis
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her 6 week course, Ignite Your Life: a self-guided program, to reignite your self-love.
Hop on a 30 minute phone consultation and get the support you need and deserve.