Can You Say Congratulations to a Woman who Just Divorced?
In one of the women’s supportive Facebook Communities I run, a woman recently posted her happy and smiling face with her divorce papers held up for all to see. She posed with it like a badge of honor. And, it was.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a total and complete pro-marriage, pro-staying together and working on it, pro-relationship kind of woman. And, I too have been divorced. And, it was hard. And, it sucked. And, it was emotionally bankrupting in many ways. And, if that is a choice a woman comes to make or a couple decides together, what was the alternative choice? Why would any sane individual or individuals put themselves in the position to:
Hurt other people (their kids, their extended family, the people in their lives who counted on them staying together)
Financially take a knife and divide income coming in to their home and live on half, or sometimes less, of what they once knew.
Go through the pain of court hearings and hard, gut wrenching conversations with one another.
Divide up plants, dogs, Christmas ornaments, bed linens and basically shake their whole house upside down and divide up the pieces like trick-or-treat candy.
Lose the person who might have been at one time, their very best friend in this world, who knew their most intimate secrets and thoughts
Nobody begins a relationship with someone with the end in mind. Period.
The hope is alive in the beginning, the love, the friendship is blossoming and clouds part for the sun to shine on your life.
The decision to divorce, as many midlife women come to make, is not an easy one and one that usually has taken years or even decades to reach. Here is the thing…women who divorce in mid-life report being happier. (AARP study 2014: https://www.aarp.org/content/dam/aarp/research/surveys_statistics/general/2014/divorce.doi.10.26419%252Fres.00061.001.pdf)
So, Congratulations are in order
Why are women happier after divorce?
They find themselves. Sometimes for the first time, sometimes it is an excavation of what was lost
Often their role as wife became caretaker to their spouse
They have been in “fix it” mode and can now breath again
They can reclaim their home and make it their own
Time spent on fixing and care-taking duties can now be spent on learning to write that book or play the ukulele.
Here is the thing…once a decision in either direction has been made, there is a sense of freedom, a natural lifting of the weight that was on their shoulders. When marriages reach a place of polarization, over-functioning to under-functioning partnerships, toxicity and toxic patterns, stalemates on tough issues…sometimes the very best outcome can be a separation of ways.
From this place, a woman can then move forward in some new found freedom and untethered ways to live their next years as their best years.
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity