Raising a Sex Positive Daughter
What is sex positive?
I think we can all define it differently, and certainly you can take what you desire from me. As a mom of an 18 year old woman, it has been so important to me to create an atmosphere of acceptance, education and developing values around sex, her body image and how she interacts in relationships. For me, Sex Positive Parenting is: a radical acceptance for others and how others choose to show up. It is also being well educated about your body and sex and being a factually informed woman. Sex positive is having an open mind to diversity of options for sexuality and sexual expression. And, it is a confident approach to knowing what she wants and what she desires.
What would your definition be? What do you want for your own daughter across her sexual development? If you did a good job raising your daughter, what would her sexual expression look like?
I recently shared my thoughts in my Life Class podcast. Take a listen here:
Growing up, my mom was open and honest about sex with me. I knew she was a person whom I could go for support, non-judgmental observations and advice that was given if I was open to accepting it. My grandfather also was a person who was dating and not shy to show his affection and what sexuality could look like across the life span. He normalized sexual expression by modeling dating and needs after my grandmother had passed. I once caught my grandpa making out on the couch with his girlfriend at the time.
On the other hand, my dad objectified women, with playboy magazines and posters. And there was a closed lip, almost boyish grinning approach to sex and women. I believe, like many men, there was sex drive and desire mixed in with a ton of shame. When many of my friends were sneaking off to planned parenthood, I was supported by my mother at the age of 17 to get birth control.
For more support for the men in your life and understanding male sexuality…please follow my friend Shana James.
I am going to share my thoughts on to dos and to don’ts with you today.
Buy her her first vibrator
Trust me, she has been using something she found in the house up until now anyway. Remember that back massager that you got from Christmas and suddenly went missing? I think I know where it might be (yeah, I did that!). Buy her one that is reasonable and safe and non-insertable. And teach her how to clean it with soap and water after using. And to not insert anything up into her vagina or anus that does not have a lip to stop it from going up and in. A woman who gets to know her own body first, knows how to ask for what she wants and desires, how to speak up for what she knows about it and can enter into partner play with personal knowledge.
Balance Cautions with Pleasures
Often the sex education kids get from school include STD education, anatomical education, pregnancy information, and tales of caution. As parents, we are good at trying to keep our kids alive with tales and facts around these cautions. But, seldom is information about pleasure, arousal and the healthy expression of sex shared. Our daughters need to learn from us that their pleasure is important. I work with so many adult women who report that they have been performing versus experiencing sex with their partner, because nobody ever permissioned them to get what they want, to know their bodies and how they work and to explore in healthy ways their own pleasure.
Don’t slut shame her.
She gets enough of that from school and from her peers, both boys and girls alike. Let her know that you are the safest place to get accurate and open information and that you will listen without judgement. Even if you believe that sex is for marriage or you should save yourself for the ONE, trust that there are other opinions that differ from your own and she will find them. And you can be that loving place to share or not ….but she needs you to be. Reacting with shock, shame, and your own uncomfortable feelings about how she makes decisions for her body will push her to close down from you, the one place she could be accepted with unconditional positive regard.
And on the opposite end, if you are incredibly sexually open...and she is more reserved. Trust her to know herself and her body and respect where she is at in terms of sex.
Respond versus react.
Slow down your own reaction so you can best respond. And it is okay to say I don’t know how I am feeling about that, can we pause the conversation for a minute, an hour , a day to give me time to think. The four questions I ask myself as a parent are:
What am I feeling right now? (anger, shame, embarrassment, awkwardness, repression) Knowing how you are feeling and why is the first step.
What is my daughter needing, feeling, wanting right now? (compassion, non-judgmental, love, empathy, support, education, listening)
How is the environment, where we are, how stressed I am feeling today, my child’s stress level, impacting this conversation? Is there something I can to do change that?
How do I best respond?
Notice the last question here is often the first one we ask ourselves. The first three allow us to slow down communication and be much more thoughtful in our response to something. If you do react vs respond, you can always go back, apologize and proceed again.
Prioritize opportunities for you daughter to have private time
Down time, free time, alone time. In a world of over-scheduled beings, we get totally disconnected from our bodies. Teaching our children to take some time to themselves, to meditate, to know their body and even touch their body is incredibly important. And, after a certain age, having a lock on your door feels safe and good to not be surprised or interrupted.
Teach the difference: Privacy vs secrecy.
Privacy is healthy and acceptable. Secrecy hurts ourself and others and leads to greater disconnect and maybe even safety issues. Privacy is going on a date with boy, where secrecy is going on a date with a boy who is 4 years older while in high school. Privacy is sharing your first kiss, secrecy is sneaking out at night to go make out. Privacy is making a decision with your partner to become more intimate, secrecy is withholding from your parents your deepening connections and feelings with your partner. Kids keep secrets for lots of reasons, they feel shame, they don’t want to get shut down, labeled or judged. Secrets generally deal with safety issues as well. And, someone might or has already, gotten hurt.
Sex Positive is not promiscuity, giving it away, flaunting it. It is not promoting losing your virginity, (I have worked with women whose very sexually open parent, maybe raised with repression and wanting to do things different, encouraged their child into something too soon) Sex Positive Parenting is not objectifying bodies or sex. It is not being disgusting or vulgar or trying to perpetuate stereotypes (disrespectful comments, terms, stories, TMI and oversharing), It does not shame virginity or the lack of desire to explore or feel sexual. We all develop at different paces.
Sex Positive Parenting is respectful of the individual’s decisions and desires.
Use age appropriate disclosure and self disclosure.
Our kids need our stories. They need to know our challenges, regrets and our struggles, our wins, celebrations and our pleasures. Ask yourself the following when making a decision to share:
Is this story relevant?
Have I asked permission or created an invitation to share? Invites can be declined, be ready for that.
Have I fully listened to their their story and their need?
Am I good with MY story being repeated to peers, my current partner or my ex-partner and with me, potentially even used against me in a fight?
Be the Source of Resources.
Scatter books around the house. Scarleteen is one website I have found to be rich with sex education resources for teens.
Conversations about sex are invitations. They are permissioned. They are not lectures or monologues. They can be stopped at any time and require frequent check-ins. Great locations to have them are car rides, one-on-one basketball games and walks.
The Emotional Age of the Child is more important then the chronological age or life experience age.
Diversify in models of romance, partnerships and love and family.
What language to you use, gender neutral brings openness. I talk about friends who are poly and monogamous, who are virgins in their adult years, who are lovers and long time married. Gay and bi and straight.
Above All Don’t lie
Know what you know and research what you do not. No fear based information or anecdotal. Opinions are not facts. Even if you have had a bad experience, their experience can be way different.
Sex is a normal part of life.
Wellness models don’t include SEX as a category. I have been developing a new model of wellness that will include Sexual Expression as an integral part of life. Right up there with physical, emotional, spiritual and social. Pleasure has healing properties. We are wired to be sexual beings.
Model sex and affection appropriately and you are a model of how you treat others and talk about others.
Teach about Informed Consent Conversations.
They are difficult to have as adults. Share the wheel of consent by Betty Martin. Give your girls sentences. Ways to say no, ways to say yes. Practice with them.
Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin. She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist. Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information. Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com
She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity