A Comment or Two Around Triggers

I’ve shared this story before in my book, Ignite Your Life, around being triggered and we have a whole chapter in there about Themes, we as women have. Themes, patterns, triggers…they all are the same thing.

A Trigger is

a visceral reaction of the nervous system. A warmth, a tingle, a gut punch, an emotional surge of chemicals. It leads to feelings of shame, fear, shock, and anger. There is intensity. And the duration can be split second to days. It can lead to self-denigration, self-loathing, poor self-talk-triggers projected inward. And/or, trigger projected outward to lash out, seethe, attack and ambush someone.

A trigger is often connected to childhood and you can go way, way back to find a time that you felt that way. And, that it remained unattended to, unresolved, unsupported or even neglected or made fun of, light of, pushed down.

We all have triggers.

A common one that I have is embarrassment. If I get embarrassed, it feels like a gut punch, the warmth rides up my belly, to my throat and face. I freeze in shock, “did that just happen, what the fuck?”, and then move very quickly, into fight mode. It goes inward to shame and then outward to anger and rage. I attack.

If I go way, way back, I have so many memories of shame fueled by embarrassment, my earliest one is kindergarten, when I slipped on one of those what-were-the-designers-thinking, steel bar playground equipment. it was winter, and my chin split open, a chunk of flesh hanging there, and blood was pouring out. I was wearing a blue parka, my body heated up, and I did not want anyone to see. I flipped my hood up and squished my chin into the furry, scratchy inside of that blue hood. I bit my lip and fought back tears as I searched the playground for my big sister. I just remember not wanting anyone to see that I had slipped. I wanted to disappear and fly under the radar. I was intensely shy. And, when I could not immediately find her I raged inside, felt alone. When I found her I gushed at her, lashed out and let all that emotion bottled inside out.

To this day embarrassment = anger

And, I am a work in progress. We all are.

What are your triggers? How do you know something is a trigger? What does it feel like in your body?

And, when you go way, way back, what is an early memory you have with that same feeling?

Our triggers, created in childhood, create landmines in the here and now. Our current lover, partner, friend, steps on them, but they did not put them there. And, I love relationships that expose my triggers, because then I can be challenged to do the work that I need to in life. It is not our loved ones jobs to walk on eggshells around our triggers, it is our job to do the work. What are loved ones can do is:

  • Respond empathically when they have stepped on the trigger

  • Be tender and loving and not take our reaction, or over reactions, entirely personally

  • Cop to the part that is theirs in the situation

  • Be aware of triggers and come alongside of us to support the work we are doing

  • Be the support, the rock, the calm in the storm when we are triggered.

When triggered we can attack, retreat and go numb, zone out, tune out, lash out, cry, overreact, have big emotions, say things that are later regretted, pack up and run away, push away those we love, isolate or become armored up, impervious to more hurt or pain, walls are built, and we can become self-righteous, blaming, and projecting.

What we can do instead is:

  • Recognize. “Whoo-boy, this is a trigger”

  • Give ourselves time and space to let the immediate chemical gush of a trigger subside and come back down to a baseline place with our nervous system…deep belly breaths, positive self-talk and cues, time and space

  • Then, we can do the process of unpacking the origins of the trigger, what you feel, what you need and want from the other person.

  • Take personal ownership of “I am feeling triggered right now, let me check in with myself and see what that is about.” Ask for a moment.

  • Ask to be held space for, which is non-judgmental, non-labeling, non-condescending, but generous, soft in body language and face, kind in words, and tender

We generally don’t need or want to be told:

Calm down

Get over it

Defended

Adviced given (I just made a word here)

Or, poo-poo’ed

And, when those we love gives us supportive space to be held and tended to, we can learn to give that same GRACE back to them. It is a bidirectional and connected world with our relationships.

I have been the triggered and the triggerer…many times. And, that is the absolute beauty of connection, intimacy and relationships. We learn so much about ourselves and how to be a beautiful human.

Authentically yours, Christie Bemis

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com

She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity



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Christie Gause-Bemis