Why Bother with Sex?

Last night I held another Women’s Talking Circle, a monthly meeting for all people socialized as a woman or identifying as a woman to talk about Sex, Love, Intimacy and Relationships.

I was profoundly moved by some of the women talking about, “I’m here, but what is the point?”

I was moved, because that was me many years ago. The complications of life, long term marriage or relationship, unresolved communication/hurts/fights, and raising kids, supporting my aging parents, working almost full-time, and dealing with financial stressors, had all built up into a perfect storm of sex taking the backseat in our relationship.

And, with all of the incredible heaviness in the world, did sex really matter?

Like most women, I was raised to believe sex was a feature of a relationship, but it was not The Most Important Feature. It is not the most important feature, but when sex does become a problem in a relationship, it is BIG. And, many of us grew up where there were mixed messages around what men want versus women, if it is okay as a woman to get my needs met, and what it takes to want IT, sex.

Then, top that off with the complete lack of knowledge around the actual anatomy of a man and a woman, the total lack of conversations that are healthy around sex and arousal and no skill sets to navigate what are sometimes uncomfortable conversations to be having. Or, even conversations that as a woman, you may want a woman and not a man. This was not a prevailing message as a woman born in the 70s.

It all leads to shut down and shut away, until SEX starts feeling like the Pandora’s box…dare I open it and take the time it needs to unpack it all. Or, the elephant in the room. It is there. It is lurking and taking up space, and honestly, I just need to get through this week with work, appointments, obligations without losing my shit. Sex is at the bottom of the to do list or talk list. What is at the top: Kids, money, projects, roles/responsibilities and tasks to get done.

What if SEX is the answer?

Generally speaking, sex becomes many things in a marriage or long term relationships. . A barometer to detect if things are okay or out of sorts. It can be a tit for tat space for couples, you do me and then I’ll do you. It can be an arena to play out frustrations beyond the bedroom and power struggles, I control when or if we will be having sex.

In our talking circle, I shared a list of things that may affect or impact a woman’s libido. This is by no means exhaustive, but a beginning checklist to understand the features that may be impacting you on why you are not having sex, resistant to sex, struggling with the dialogue around sex with your partner, or even resistant to the idea that yes, sex is important to the health of a relationship.

What might be getting in the way?

  • Build up of Resentment

  • General lack of respect: too many unresolved fights, boundary crossing, or failed repair attempts

  • Not getting your Core Desires met (Jack Morin, the Erotic Mind) or Hottest Sexual Movie (Somatica®, Celeste and Danielle): creates boredom, patterns and kills some people’s desires

  • Loss of attraction in partner: doesn’t match your fantasy or expectation, weight issues, health issues, personal hygiene, taking care of themselves, living life plugged in

  • Stress Levels, burnout, Over Busy: sex is no longer prioritized and other things are. Tugging at the boundaries around time and energy

  • Your attachment triggers are ringing. Your person is no longer seen as healing, safe, secure; but, as re-wounding, causing trauma, stepping on your core wound triggers

  • Unhappy or unfulfilled in your own life, or, vice versa, your partner is unhappy or unfulfilled and you are.

  • Mental health issues, from chemical imbalances caused by mood issues, to untreated anxiety, to OCD and germs and bodily smells and fluids, to impact of medications, if taken, side effects

  • Body Image, not digging your own body, your aging body, your curves and your own smells and fluids, which gets in the way of dropping in and enjoying.

  • Not feeling in the playing mood. Losing our ability to play due to adulting way too much lately

  • Painful sex. From Pelvic health issues, to nerve endings in the vaginal opening, to trauma and psyche.

  • Unresolved Trauma and/or unresolved sexual trauma

  • Medical issues. Hysterectomies, menopause, cancer,

  • The movement from partners to parents/projects. Hard to feel or be sexy when you feel like you are parenting your partner or have moved into the tone and conditions of parenting with your partner

  • Issues with your own orgasm, low orgasms, no orgasms or sensation

  • Technique. Your partner is uneducated or doesn’t want to learn new tools or techniques

  • Lack of communication about sex, desires, wants

  • Mismatched libidos or wants

  • Porn use

  • Fidelity issues

  • Tone of voice, is my partner generally nice to me?

Again, this is not an exhaustive list, but a good starting point to assess where you and your partner have gotten off course with sex being important. I shared the benefits of sex in a recent podcast. Often times a person comes into work with me being dragged by their partner, “my partner says they will leave me” or “ I have to address this.” Honestly, that is OKAY. If the only reason you are coming to the table to talk is that in the beginning, that is OKAY. If you stay there, in that place, that is denial. Denial that you are a sexual being. Denial that you deserve an active and healthy sex life. Denial that sex has amazing health benefits, physical and psychological. And, denial that pleasure and play is your birthright.

I always say to my clients, “pain pushes until vision pulls” and my other favorite, “you don’t know, what you don’t know. But, when you know better, you do better.” So, you are here, you might as well get something out of this.

Authentically yours, Christie Bemis

Christie is a psychotherapist in private practice in Madison, Wisconsin.  She is a mama, a wife, a writer, and an artist.  Visit www.hotpinkyou.com for more information.  Email at hotpinkyou@gmail.com

She is also a writer, co-authoring Ignite Your Life and a speaker. You can find her Wisdom Cards on sale now. Co-Founder and CEO of Hot Pink YOUniversity


SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER, WHERE YOU WILL GET MY EXCEPTIONALLY RESOURCE HEAVY: 5 THINGS FOR FRIDAY LETTER AND, THE LATEST ANNOUNCEMENTS OF WHAT IS GREAT AND GOING ON!

Website:  https://www.hotpinkyou.com/

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/hotpinkyou

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hot_pink_youniversity/

Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/christie-bemis-55987aaa/



YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-t1aVhGCYjtCRgNr0y0vsA

Blog talk Radio Program: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/hotpinkyou


Christie Gause-Bemis